Why Flying Around Holidays SUCKS So Bad.

July 4, 2008

Blame the airlines. Blame fuel prices. Blame the guy next to you who SHOULD have bought two seats (I mean, c’mon bro. You needed TWO seatbelt extenders. Take a hint.)

Nah. None of these things make holiday travel suck the worst. On my list of things that makes travel blow, KIDS have got to be a stark choice for #1.

On my way through security this morning at LGA, a seemingly calm prospect at first, a couple with two small children busted in line. Right in front of me. Just after I’d sent my shoes and laptop thru the scanner. “We’re late for our flight. Do you mind?” What if I’d said “yes, I mind”? You think they would have let me stay with my $2500 laptop? No. They have kids. They take priority. They threw all their shit up on the belt, held up the line, and caused pure chaos. The parents were so flustered, they didn’t even listen to the TSA agents when given simple directions. Finally, they made it through the line and yanked their tiny children down the hallway to their assigned gate.

And another family jumped in front of me to go through the metal detector. Three kids in that family.

And walking into the airport, I was cut off by many parents saddled with kids.

And once I got through security, I was greeted by the hysteric screaming “NO! I WANNA GO BACK! NO! I WANNA GO BACK!” (My first thought was ‘…and this is the trip Little Billy’s parents discover his fear of flying…’

Now, you could blame the parents. They are the ones in charge. And to some degree, I have some empathy. It’s gotta be hard to take a flock of kids to see Mom and Dad back home in Tulsa. And you can’t keep the kids at home their whole lives because it’s just easier. That’s how people become sheltered.

HOWEVER, I do think there’s gotta be a better solution. Kids cause chaos. Period. Adults lose their minds trying to control them, especially in the already-stressful climate of air travel. And lord knows, I’ve thought of grabbing a few screaming babies, opening the emergency hatch on a plane, and tossing them out into the wind.

So here are a few of my “Mad Max” solutions to keeping order and peace at airports, every day of the year:

1) Sedation. Make it look like a chewable vitamin, perhaps shaped like Spongebob. Once the low-dose sedative has taken effect, you can push the kids in a stroller or cart wherever you want. And if the flight is really long, the sedative can also be made into a dissolvable strip (like those Listarine strips) and simply deposited into the child’s mouth as he/she sleeps. Keep that little fucker out.

2) Kid Air! Someone should make an airline for kids. Something kids would be really excited to take and parents would be equally excited to take their kids on. Parents could get sound-proof headphones, wifi, and wine. Kids would get built in viewing stations at every seat – video games, cartoons, etc. In fact, if parents know the only thing that will shut Little Jenny up is her favorite Elmo video, they can upload the movie to the airline’s server and have it available to watch at the seat with a simple password.

And the rear of the plane could be sectioned off as a sound-proofed nap area & daycare. With a childcare professional. It would probably cost a little extra… ok. A lot extra (it’s an airline, after all)… but some mommies and daddies actually have work to do. Could probably be a write-off at work, right?

Basically, you can’t get on the plane unless you have a kid with you. No pedophiles, thank you.

3. Offer No-Child flights. You can’t board unless you’re 13 or older. And they could probably charge a premium for this. And think about it… American Airlines flies from Chicago to NY into all 3 New York airports. They could just designate JFK as the no-kid hub.

Or, finally…

4. Dog carriers. Kids are durable, right? Put em in a little cage with some juice boxes, a blankey, and a portable DVD player. That should do the trick.*

So now that you all think I’m completely insane, consider the euphoria. Flights without crying. Airports without screaming and tiny children with even tinier rolling suitcases in tow. Basically, less chaos.

And once that’s been taken care of, we can work on everyone else.

*By the way, it was a little disturbing to see HOW MANY pictures of kids in dog crates were posted online. Just proves that adults would love to see their kids caged up occasionally.

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7 Responses to “Why Flying Around Holidays SUCKS So Bad.”

  1. Jonny-Dvd- said

    i like how you write this article.
    Searched by google, now i am inforemd.

    Thank You very much.

  2. Excellent! Thanks for doing this…it’s really nice to know that I’m not alone on a lot of these things.

  3. Jane said

    The only thing worse than other people’s kids on flights is…you know…your own kids. I’m partial to the dog crate idea.

  4. Shar said

    Amen Sister!!!!!!

  5. LizzieMay said

    I find other peoples kids worse because you have NO control over them and cannot tell them off so heve to sit there listening to screaming!!

  6. dog crates made from ABS Plastic can withstand those aggressive dogs -‘~

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