Even though I love animals (both to cuddle with and slather barbecue sauce on), I have generally dismissed most of PETA’s advertising. It’s never very smart. Just goes for shock value. And often doesn’t totally make sense.

Hence, this effort featuring Chantelle Houghton (who?). The copy reads “Eating Meat Got You Down? Fight Impotence. Go Vegetarian!” Then the ad encourages you to order a starter kit for going veggie.

Ok. Now. Let’s dissect this…

Hot girl. Limp hot dog. You got my attention. I want to know what the ad SAYS now.

“Got me down?”  “Fight impotence?”

Are you indirectly saying I should give up male genitalia?

What else could that limp hot dog and frowning sexy girl mean? Incidentally, there are plenty of limp vegetarian foods. Ever tried holding up a piece of tofu?

So… my quick take-away from this ad is: give up dick.

I know, I know. That’s not what they’re trying to say. But that’s the problem. Advertising’s sole purpose is to COMMUNICATE. And this ad makes almost no logical sense.

It ALMOST could work if you took out “Fight Impotence.” Maybe that’s where it’s throwing me.

Either way, this ad actually made me want to go get a hot dog for dinner tonight. Mmmm. Hot dogs.

By now, you’ve probably seen one of the many stories about the iPhone 4. How some young engineer from Apple got shitfaced in a bar and lost it. And then some guy found it and sold it to Gizmodo. And then Gizmodo did a whole spread on it. And then how Steve Jobs blew up and called Gizmodo himself, demanding it back.

Here’s some of the coverage:

Gizmodo’s Expose

Article about the Debacle

After reading all this and discussing it with my coworkers, we were on the fence. Was this a stunt for free PR? Or real?

Would the kid who lost the phone have to move to Micronesia and live out his days fearing the wrath of Steve Jobs? Or was this all planned?

If Gizmodo really DID buy “stolen” property for $5,000, then… how does that reflect on them as journalists? Or, well… bloggers?

My gut reaction is this: Apple didn’t need this stunt. Sales of iPhones had no sign of slowing down — only increasing. Apple has a cult-like following of fanboys, and frankly, a stunt like this seemed almost BENEATH them. They just don’t need it. The new iPhone would sell itself.

If we find out that it was a PR stunt, I’ll be pretty disappointed in Apple. I like that they’re a class-act (for the most part), and a shameless ploy like this would just make them seem kinda… base. Ick.

Anyway…  just in case you have ill feelings about Gizmodo after reading this, consider this article.  After reading that, how can you not still LOVE them?

What Will They Think of Next?!

September 22, 2008

I sometimes wonder how stupid we are. Waiting on the edge of our seats for the fortieth coming of Reese’s… or Coke… all they need to do is slap their iconic logo on a new product and they assume we’ll run out like lemmings and buy ’em all up.

And what’s kinda sad is… we must be buying them all up. Otherwise their research department would never have encouraged making yet ANOTHER brand extension.

This is Doritos’ new exotic flavor… TOASTED CORN.

Um… since Frito-Lay already makes both Doritos and Tostitos AND Fritos… why, in God’s name, do they need another plain, salty corn chip in their arsenal?

A friend of mine argued that he would consider buying these chips because he likes the Doritos brand. So… is that what Doritos is banking on? That people love the Doritos brand so much… and “trust” it SOOOO much…. that they’ll buy these boring, plain chips…

I must be the last person to know about this site… which KILLS me, because I have a personal vendetta against stupid people. All of them.

I don’t mean people who are medically mentally retarded. I mean, people who have no common sense. People who use the words “irregardless” and “acrossed.” People who never bothered to familiarize themselves with basic math, geography, and grammar.

C’mon. You hate em too.

The site is called “The Darwin Awards.” Basically, it covers stories about people who die in really tragic and idiotic ways. Is it mean? Sure. Is it deserved? Absolutely.

Smart people get a good chuckle. Dumb people should use the site as a “don’t do this, mmkay?” guide. Either way, it fully supports Darwin’s theory about “survival of the fittest.”

Blame the airlines. Blame fuel prices. Blame the guy next to you who SHOULD have bought two seats (I mean, c’mon bro. You needed TWO seatbelt extenders. Take a hint.)

Nah. None of these things make holiday travel suck the worst. On my list of things that makes travel blow, KIDS have got to be a stark choice for #1.

On my way through security this morning at LGA, a seemingly calm prospect at first, a couple with two small children busted in line. Right in front of me. Just after I’d sent my shoes and laptop thru the scanner. “We’re late for our flight. Do you mind?” What if I’d said “yes, I mind”? You think they would have let me stay with my $2500 laptop? No. They have kids. They take priority. They threw all their shit up on the belt, held up the line, and caused pure chaos. The parents were so flustered, they didn’t even listen to the TSA agents when given simple directions. Finally, they made it through the line and yanked their tiny children down the hallway to their assigned gate.

And another family jumped in front of me to go through the metal detector. Three kids in that family.

And walking into the airport, I was cut off by many parents saddled with kids.

And once I got through security, I was greeted by the hysteric screaming “NO! I WANNA GO BACK! NO! I WANNA GO BACK!” (My first thought was ‘…and this is the trip Little Billy’s parents discover his fear of flying…’

Now, you could blame the parents. They are the ones in charge. And to some degree, I have some empathy. It’s gotta be hard to take a flock of kids to see Mom and Dad back home in Tulsa. And you can’t keep the kids at home their whole lives because it’s just easier. That’s how people become sheltered.

HOWEVER, I do think there’s gotta be a better solution. Kids cause chaos. Period. Adults lose their minds trying to control them, especially in the already-stressful climate of air travel. And lord knows, I’ve thought of grabbing a few screaming babies, opening the emergency hatch on a plane, and tossing them out into the wind.

So here are a few of my “Mad Max” solutions to keeping order and peace at airports, every day of the year:

1) Sedation. Make it look like a chewable vitamin, perhaps shaped like Spongebob. Once the low-dose sedative has taken effect, you can push the kids in a stroller or cart wherever you want. And if the flight is really long, the sedative can also be made into a dissolvable strip (like those Listarine strips) and simply deposited into the child’s mouth as he/she sleeps. Keep that little fucker out.

2) Kid Air! Someone should make an airline for kids. Something kids would be really excited to take and parents would be equally excited to take their kids on. Parents could get sound-proof headphones, wifi, and wine. Kids would get built in viewing stations at every seat – video games, cartoons, etc. In fact, if parents know the only thing that will shut Little Jenny up is her favorite Elmo video, they can upload the movie to the airline’s server and have it available to watch at the seat with a simple password.

And the rear of the plane could be sectioned off as a sound-proofed nap area & daycare. With a childcare professional. It would probably cost a little extra… ok. A lot extra (it’s an airline, after all)… but some mommies and daddies actually have work to do. Could probably be a write-off at work, right?

Basically, you can’t get on the plane unless you have a kid with you. No pedophiles, thank you.

3. Offer No-Child flights. You can’t board unless you’re 13 or older. And they could probably charge a premium for this. And think about it… American Airlines flies from Chicago to NY into all 3 New York airports. They could just designate JFK as the no-kid hub.

Or, finally…

4. Dog carriers. Kids are durable, right? Put em in a little cage with some juice boxes, a blankey, and a portable DVD player. That should do the trick.*

So now that you all think I’m completely insane, consider the euphoria. Flights without crying. Airports without screaming and tiny children with even tinier rolling suitcases in tow. Basically, less chaos.

And once that’s been taken care of, we can work on everyone else.

*By the way, it was a little disturbing to see HOW MANY pictures of kids in dog crates were posted online. Just proves that adults would love to see their kids caged up occasionally.

Bad Juxtaposition.

July 1, 2008

This morning, I found my friend Rachel pouring herself a bowl of cereal in our office’s kitchen. Just a simple box of Corn Chex.

But no. She flipped it backwards under her arm as she went to pour out some milk… and there it was. The back. A giant ad for tacos.

Now, normally this wouldn’t freak me out… except 90% of my mornings as a child were spent staring at the back of cereal boxes, reading every detail as though it were Newsweek.

And the last thing I want to look at at 7am is a big plate of spicy tacos as I just barely shovel down my appropriately-bland morning cereal and skim milk. Staring at that ad at 7am would make me psychologically taste cumin… and just seems so disgusting.

I mean, I can see where the logic could be. Some families decide what they’re going to do for dinner at the breakfast table. It IS the next time they would probably all see each other. One naturally follows the other.

However, using that logic… why not put an ad for pregnancy tests on the back of a box of condoms? Or Immodium AD on a can of chili?

I just think the juxtaposition of these two products was a total turn-off. Bleccch.

This is where I get to say “cat people are CRAZY” and back up my claim with unarguable proof.

Check out Kitty Wigs. Yes. Wigs for cats. Not big, blanket-like wigs of fake fur for those poor cats who suffer from mange. No no. These are wigs that make your cat look like… well… a slut.

Frankly, my favorite one is the pink Charlie’s Angels-style wig. It’s just the most insane of the bunch.

Oh, and if you’re pissed off that they don’t have wigs for your little doggie, worry not. They’ll have huawigs.com (hua = short for Chihuahua) up this year. GAG!

Worst Xmas Song Ever.

December 12, 2007

This is where I get to vent about how much I fucking hate this song. Maybe it’s just been really overplayed for me the past couple of years, but I’m at the point where I can’t even be around this song when it’s playing. Fuck you, McCartney.

Merry fucking Xmas.

Poo for Two.

November 28, 2007

Check this out. A toilet for two people.

The product description reads, The TwoDaLoo is billed as the world’s first toilet two people can use … at the exact same time. It brings couples closer together and conserves our water supply all with one flush. The TwoDaLoo features two side-by-side toilet seats with a modest privacy wall in between. An upgraded version includes a seven inch LCD television and iPod docking station.”

Could this have saved my relationship? Oh wait. It doesn’t say “makes men stop lying” in the product description.

Oh well. Guess not.

Um… is it my imagination, or did John Mayer put his name THREE TIMES on this ad for a show he’s playing?